Can’t sleep, won’t sleep

I seem to be in a pattern of going to bed, reading, sleeping, then annoyingly waking at around 3-4am.  Then I can’t get back to sleep, so I make myself a hot milk, think what’s bothering me and come here to my blog.

This morning it is depression and the memory of what we went through back in February of 2010.  And if only husband were here to calm and reassure me like I had to do to him.

Our GP was brilliantly understanding about what was going on, but would only prescribe husband limited doses of sleeping pills.  She said that it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to get hooked and he should try other ways of getting to sleep.  So we’d go to bed, exhausted after a day of walking, fretting, being badgered by solicitors and after an hour, I’d just know he wasn’t asleep.  He used to put his head on the pillow and within 5 minutes he’d be away with the fairies.  Not any more.  The he’d plead to be allowed a sleeping pill.  I’d taken to hiding them as I couldn’t trust him not to take them all in one go.

After I’d allowed him one tablet, I’d have to stroke his head as he lay next to me and I’d urge him into sleep by telling him to imagine he was lying on a big comfy lilo, drifting around a gently lapping lake, a magical lake that could take him anywhere in the world.  I’d describe the gentle motion of the lilo as it bobbed on soothing waves and how if he just looked over there he’d see a white sandy beach and palm trees, with glorious coloured parrots preening in the warming rays of a morning sun.  That the lilo would bob out to see and the next cove would see a cluster of white, Greek houses, banked up on the hillside, with the scent of thyme hanging headily in the air.  And this would go on and on, with me nearly dropping off until, by his steady breathing, I knew that the tablets had taken affect and at last he had obtained temporary oblivion.

So why does it not work for me!  I have to go through the alphabet naming things in order.  My current favourite is dogs!  For some reason I’m amazed at my knowledge of dog breeds, but never get passed E (which is for Elkhound).  I have to make it slightly difficult by thinking of three per letter…. tricky, but not too tricky, is the answer.  Sometimes, if I get bored with dogs, I think of cats, but am not too hot on this topic.  Or else there’s always chocolate bars…..

Right, the hot milky drink is taking effect, so I’ll have another go………

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